Originally I thought I had what it took to take on the job. I knew it would be stressful. I knew it would be long hours. I knew there was a lot going on. I knew I'd experience some highs and lows with the career. I knew it would change my home family dynamic.
I didn't know that it would take a toll on me. After 1 1/2 months of training I was already feeling the physical strain of it. My body was not ready for this. I don't stress easily. I don't get anxiety easily. I don't feel stupid often. But I got all three from this experience. Every day I felt my chest getting tight and my anxiety at a high level and I hadn't even been out to the floor for more than one session.
The sheer amount of balls in the air that an ERT experiences boggles my mind. There are so many policies, procedures, and protocols to remember and then there is the uncertainty of how any of it applies. I was getting some stuff but much of it fell out of my head. Hundreds of call codes and priorities. Any number of different types of calls coming in from people getting hurt to lost property. There are an unlimited amount of combinations that require quick thinking and the ability to handle it all while under the microscope of the public and the police department. I've heard some difficult calls over the last month and a half. I give full props to those who can handle it but I knew I couldn't. The average turnaround for burnout is two years. I made it a month and a half.
I probably could have continued pushing myself to try harder, do more, etc. but I knew that it would come to this. Already, driving away from the police operations center this afternoon, I felt a weight removed from my chest. Yes, it sucks that I am unemployed for the first time in many years but I talked it through with my wife ahead of time and we will make it through (Thankfully her job covers the mortgage and the bills and just the few weeks with me at the job allowed us to pay down the credit card over half). I've already signed back up for subbing at my son's school to earn a little extra cash. I've got some resumes out and am hoping for another job with the City of Colorado Springs.
Was it an easy decision to leave? By no means. But was it the one I needed to make for myself and my family? Yes. I knew, going in, that it would be a change. The shifts, the hours, the overtime, the worst of humanity, the rewarding moments, I knew they would all be a part of the equation. In my 'real life' I don't get stressed easily and I very rarely have anxiety. Experiencing these on that level and not even being in the on-the-job training yet felt overwhelming. Could I have done the job? Maybe. But it was important for me to pull myself from the equation before I wasted the time of the floor trainers. I had a good one lined up to be my first trainer but I didn't want to get too far in and waste his time. It wouldn't be fair to them and I was aware that I would not have made it through.
Our city is incredibly short-staffed on police officers and ERTs. We are suffering because of it. We're one of the highest fatality rates in the country right now for traffic fatalities. There is a big need for these positions. I wanted to help. It is my calling to help. These folks really need help. I tried. I thought I knew what I was getting myself into...Truth of the matter is, I didn't.
So now I'm job searching and looking for something new and not quite so exciting. HA! I'm thankful that my wife is understanding and that she's got my back, as always. I'm grateful for those who I left behind as they will be an important part of giving the 911 operators some much needed respite. I'll miss them but I am also sure that their successes will be important to the future of the city. Who knows, you might get one of them on the phone one of these days and they may save your life!
So ends this brief 'experiment' into attempting a new career. I joked with one of the trainers today that "I went through ERT training and only got a case of COVID!" It was a joke, of course (although I did finally get COVID). What I did get was a much larger respect for those who can do this job and help an incredibly diverse set of people and backgrounds.
So, to those who remain, you have my respect. I feel like I let them down but I had to move on.
Good luck to these future ERT superstars!
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